Don't Go
by Mevenia
Summary: Kisuke is left alone to sake and self-reflection leading to an unexpected confrontation with Yoruichi.  Insecurity and jealousy can tear down even the strongest mind.  Warnings: OOCness, no lemon, language.


Due to recent flames on another story, please read WARNINGS: language, reference of a crack pairing, OOCness, after the Winter War but no spoilers, no lemons, OOCness, angst, rushed ending (I know, it ends abruptly…I got impatient since this has been on the shelf for awhile) and did I mention…OOCness.

Disclaimer: I own nothing that is Bleach nor do I profit from my admiration

* * *

"Yoruichi…have fun." Kisuke blew his hair out of his eyes and pulled his hat down farther. Slightly puzzled, Yoruichi turned around to look at her best friend. There was something funny in his voice that she hadn't heard in a long time. "Kisuke?" She was about to walk back towards him when he suddenly started shoo-ing her off. "Tsch tsch, it's nothing! You go have fun and remember to tell me all about it when you bring Ichigo and the gang back. Ok, bye!"

Yoruichi narrowed her eyes slightly as she tried to gauge the sudden ridiculous outburst from the blonde man but he had already disappeared into the shoten and was busy arguing with Tessai about food. Shrugging, Yoruichi grabbed the few things she would need in Seireitei and wondered for the umpteenth time whether bratty Byakuya would take her up on a drinking game.

Kisuke fell silent as soon as he felt Yoruichi's reiatsu disappear. Ururu looked at the blonde shop keeper questioningly before Jinta launched into another abusive tirade against her. Tessai grabbed him by the hair and swept Ururu up carefully before he disappeared into the living quarters of the shoten. Smiling slightly, Kisuke thanked the gods for the millionth time that he had Tessai through all these years. While everyone including the kids liked to speculate on his relationship with Yoruichi, no one seemed to question his friendship with Tessai. In reality, their loyalty was sealed in childhood and lasted throughout their service and exile. Part of what drove Kisuke into finding a way to fix the Vizards was Tessai's deeply private relationship with Rose. Yoruichi, despite being a good friend, was rather oblivious and Tessai had seen no reason to enlighten her. Though generally troubled at Yoruichi's apathy and Tessai's indifference, Kisuke was content to be the middleman keeping the other two firmly in orbit around him. They all played their parts well; Kisuke was the undisputed leader and mastermind behind his infuriatingly goofy demeanor, Yoruichi was the liaison with Seireitei and general body guard, and Tessai was back up support as well as basic clean up. Again, middle, front and back. The kids were just bonus.

Kisuke was happy to be alone with his thoughts. It was exhausting keeping up the façade for everyone all of the time, to always be "on." Not even Yoruichi saw through it. Tessai intuitively knew, but like everything else, Tessai didn't pry. Isshin most likely understood-he practically copied his persona and then took it beyond all reasonable proportions. Sighing, Kisuke took off his hat and absently rumpled his hair. _Victory party._ He thought nostalgically. Just this once, he let himself admit that he missed Seireitei and all that had been left behind. He didn't regret leaving, given the circumstances, and he wasn't even that bitter, given the circumstances. It was more that he was tired of the guarded looks most of the shinigami gave him even now that they had won the Winter War, the whispers about him and the annoying fact that he wasn't _allowed_ back yet. Mostly, he wanted to punt kick Mayuri out of that abomination of a lab and fall into his research like old times with Yoruichi interrupting him and Hiyori undermining him.

Grabbing a dusty bottle of some kind of alcohol, hopefully sake and not whatever burner fuel the red headed freeloader had started bringing home, Kisuke went to sit up on the roof. If he was really brutally honest with himself, and that was a rare occurrence, he wished Yoruichi had wanted to stay behind with him, again. He knew he had no right to ask her that, and he knew that she gave up everything for him and Tessai…well him...but she was so _goddamn independent._

Kisuke blinked; he rarely resorted to profanity, seeing it as a loss of control…unfortunately much like a certain noble brat who was probably hitting on Yoruichi right now with some subtly suave innuendo or the barest upturn of his perfectly sensuous lips. _Get it together. _Another reason he didn't want Yoruichi to go…after 100 years Kuchiki would probably finally break down to her demands and…_fuck her. _Kisuke grimaced, he had spent way too much time with Renji during the war.

Laying down on the roof, he stared up at the stars, bringing an unwanted memory and longing of the times he first started observing the brilliant pockets of gas with his old friend and somewhat mentor, Kyouraku Shunshui. Sighing, Kisuke sipped the bottle and was relieved to discover it was indeed sake, the expensive kind that Tessai only stocked on rare occasions.

Feeling the liquid tingle warmly down his throat, he settled in comfortably and let the alcohol numb his mind. Even now with peace seemingly secured and an invitation back to his old life imminent, he felt unsettled. He had left Seireitei a nervous, gentle man and the strain of keeping everyone exiled safe while looking for a cure and a way to reveal the truth of that fateful night had turned him into something he had hoped he'd never be: supremely cynical and a complete fake. Some days it took every ounce of willpower to not just give up and walk away from the bickering, malcontented vizards, Yoruichi's carelessness or even his debt to Isshin for helping them when they first arrived. Other days, he felt himself going through the motions of being happy and wishing he had never gotten involved, cursing his intellectual curiosity that night and his unwavering sense of duty as a captain and shinigami. Despite all of the suspicions, the accusatory looks and general mistrust he received from nearly everyone, in his heart he knew he would never stop fighting for the Gotei 13 and everything it stood for as an ideal.

As he tilted the bottle back, he was surprised to find it empty. Hadn't he just opened it? Smiling sheepishly to himself, he got up and went to find another, grabbing an extra just for the hell of it. Everyone needed a break once in awhile and he was no exception. Finding his spot on the roof again, his thoughts drifted back to the party he had been excluded from. Most of the vizards had gone, choosing to return to Seireitei after an unprecedented and surprisingly sincere apology from Yamamoto and his vow to review the judicial process for adjudicating shinigami crimes. Of the few who refused, he was positive they would eventually return as well, now that their way of life had been disrupted yet again with the split of their group. Tessai would go back soon because Rose went back. And Yoruichi? Who knows what she would do, he sure as hell didn't. She reveled in the freedom she gained when she abandoned her squad, finally shedding her responsibilities to her family as well as her position. But he knew she would fall back into the fold just as easily as she walked away…she was highly adaptable.

Feeling a dullness he knew was due to the sake, Kisuke stretched out on his back and wondered what the lab looked like now. It wouldn't be hard to challenge Kurotsuchi on any level but he found that he didn't want his old captaincy back, if the position would even be offered to him. He certainly wouldn't go back to the stealth division, though his skills had only sharpened with time. As the edges of consciousness slowly faded away, Kisuke found himself wondering what would he do if he were truly given a say in the matter of his future.

* * *

Waking with a start, his head was fuzzy and his was back sore. For a moment he stared blankly at the bottles…_whoa, bottles?..._in front of him, trying to remember the last few hours. As he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, he was startled by the crash of glass shattering next to him, shards spraying in his face.

"Baka! What's wrong with you?" Yoruichi hissed, her gold eyes gleaming with anger as she stood in front of him.

"Did you enjoy yourself at the party?" Kisuke asked mildly, brushing broken glass from his clothes as he stood up. Pulling his hat back on he braced himself as he saw Yoruichi's eyes narrow. She hated this tactic of hiding his eyes and she was ready to unleash.

"Why are you drinking Kisuke?" She asked, her body relaxing slightly as her voice softened deceptively. She was always at her most dangerous when she did this and years of being on the losing side of their confrontations had taught Kisuke to be extra careful with his words.

"I was celebrating in my own way Shihouin-sama. Surely I am permitted…" He let his words trail off, biting back the urge to say "on my own terms after everything that's happened." Yoruichi was never one to hold grudges, nor was she one to offer indulgent sympathy.

"Does Tessai know you've been drinking?" She asked a little more heatedly, her hair blowing gently, loose and full for once, her features no less striking from the soft effect.

"Tessai isn't here, not that it would be his business. Or yours." The genius countered softly, irritation beginning to grow. He never asked her what she did when she left, randomly and without notice. One day she'd be gone and another she'd be eating in the kitchen, acting as if she had been there all along, hungry and bored. The few times he had asked her where she had gone or what she did when she was away, she had brushed him off with a shrug of her shoulders. He quickly learned that he wasn't the only one who liked to be left to their own devices and his skill at deflection came partly from being with her all these years.

Turning away from her he gathered some of the larger pieces of the shattered bottle and grabbed the other empties, mentally sighing at his loss of control. As he straightened back up he froze, his senses buzzing as he carefully turned to face her, the wind still blowing her hair gently. Without changing his expression, he tightly restrained his reiatsu and studied her from under his hat.

"Kisuke…what is it?"

Shaking his head slightly, he smiled superficially and shunpo'd off the roof, dropping one of the bottles in the yard as he fled to the safety of his room. She smelled of spice and sakura blossoms. Not just any sakura blossoms, a certain rare and delicate species that grew in abundance on a certain spoiled noble's estate. Damn her.

Slowly he unclenched his hands, the sting of the glass shards cutting into his palms barely registering. He walked over to the sink and sighed, using the back of his wrist to turn the water on to rinse his hands, wincing as the trickle of cold water bit in to the shallow wounds. For a moment he focused on the pain, blocking out unwanted and unnecessary emotions like jealousy, possessiveness and the ever lurking depression. He didn't feel her come up behind him, or rather he failed to care, ignoring her soft cry of dismay as she reached for his still bleeding hands. Reacting purely on instinct he whirled and grabbed her wrist and twisted around behind her, slamming her down against the counter, his hand gripping the back of her neck.

She didn't fight back and he didn't say anything, barely surprised at his outburst as he instantly released her and walked away. Mentally he counted down as he waited for her to attack him from behind, a roiling, snapping ball of fury. They knew each other well, and knowing that she would anticipate his counter as surely as he did her attack, he tried to imagine what Shinji would do in the same situation. He'd just take it, the fool. Sighing, Kisuke groaned as he was tackled, wincing as her elbow bruised his kidney. Expertly she flipped him over and straddled his hips, one hand at his throat and the other pulled back, ready to hit hard.

She was angry and she wanted to fuck, her emotions always simple and straightforward in her golden eyes. She leaned down and kissed him roughly, biting on his lower lip as his mouth remained slack. Struggling to remain detached, he found new resolve as her hair fell down around him and he was surrounded by that damn scent. Tilting his head to the side he closed his eyes and relaxed, flinching slightly as she tore at his clothes, jerked his chin up, and kissed him harshly again. Finally, desperately, she laid one hand gently over his chiseled jaw and nuzzled her cheek against his, mewling softly as she pressed against his unresponsive body.

"Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens!" She said, annoyance and sadness creeping into her husky voice as Kisuke fought to keep from smiling cynically. He had fallen for her bluff in the past only to be burned by her playful, teasing smile and left guessing if she was even capable of the emotions she so often used against him.

"Yoruichi, I'm tired tonight. I just wish to be alone." He said quietly, opting for honesty and dropping the pretense of formality. He watched surprise flicker in her tawny eyes and waited patiently for her to attack or retreat, either equally possible as he braced himself. Maybe Shinji was smarter than he had thought, letting her act without reaction seemed to work for now. Once more she pressed her lips to his, gently this time, trying to tease his own open and pulling back when he refused. She stared at him again before she quietly and gracefully let him up.

Without a word Kisuke left her in the hall, feeling neither victory or regret at winning this round in their latest game. Closing the door to his room, he scratched the back of his neck absently as he stared at his futon. Sinking down to the floor, he sat against the wall, waiting for his head to clear more fully. After awhile, as the sky began to lighten with soft pink hues, he stood up again and looked around his room, carefully taking stock of the few things he thought important enough to keep near – a few books, pictures of the kids, some letters, a trunk filled with some early inventions in the real world, a tea set from Isshin and Masaki, his old captain's haori - and finding them lacking. He was infinitely tired – of exile, vizards, independent women and short-tempered youths. Slipping out of his gigai he carefully stretched his limbs and opened the window. One hundred years was enough time to feel guilty, perhaps it really was time to leave everything behind.

"Kisuke."

Mentally he cursed, the only outward evidence of his frustration was the quiet intake of breath held just a moment longer than necessary before he silently exhaled. Schooling his emotions as well as his expression, he turned to face his oldest friend, his normally gentle eyes hard and unreadable as always.

He saw her hesitate for once in her privileged, self-confident life expressing uncertainty and possibly, vulnerability. "Are you leaving?" She asked quietly, frowning as soon as the obvious words were uttered. Trying again, she took one step closer. "Are you coming back?" There was a slight tremor to the last word and Kisuke allowed himself a moment of victory before he saw her eyes narrow.

"I never took you for a coward." Her words stung but he refused to be baited. Under the cheery façade, he studied people. The way they moved, the emotions they felt, the games they played, and he had become a master of tells. Though he often didn't understand her motivations, Kisuke found he could predict her tactics against him. Except tonight. Instead of guilting him with the kids or his duty, or the idea of going home, she cried. Softly, beautifully, defeatedly. For one eternal moment, the world stopped spinning on its axis and he tried, and failed, to convince himself that she was playing the oldest and dirtiest trick a woman could do other than sex.

He watched as she walked over to the futon and sank down slowly, pulling her knees up and wrapping her arms around them. Something twisted in his gut and despite his strongest intentions not to, he found himself walking over to squat down in front of her. She surprised him again by refusing to meet his gaze and he felt the urge to laugh at the surrealistic moment. Sighing instead, he pushed his bangs out of his eyes, a pre-exile habit and he felt his resolve crumble as he saw her shift away from him.

"I feel lost, Yoru-chan." He started softly, the honest confession strange and bitter on his tongue. Trying to sum up his emotions in simple terms was difficult, the years of exile had scarred him in ways he didn't fully understand even now. "We won the war but I can't undo the hollowfication. Even if I could, they wouldn't want it anymore. Central 46 is rebuilding and accepted them back. You were never exiled and Tessai possesses kido skills they desperately need. But me?" He laughed bitterly, his eyes hardening and his chest tightening. "I defied orders, I was arrogant, I endangered my colleagues and subordinate, I manipulated my two closest friends, I fled in shame. That is how I am regarded by Central 46. And honestly, I would have been okay with that, I never needed or cared for their approval or acceptance."

"But why leave now?" She had stopped the tears, not that there were many to begin with. Again, her emotions deep but fleeting as she quickly regained her equilibrium.

"Because I always needed yours." Though the words felt like acid his mouth turned upwards into a self-deprecating smile from practiced habit.

"Baka. You always had it." She said softly, her gaze still averted.

"Did I? It never stopped you from leaving me. It never stopped you from keeping me at an arms length away, from playing your games, your teasing." The words spilled forward, the resentment building as he felt tiny cracks in his control deepening, widening.

"I gave you what you wanted, always. When you wanted my body I gave it freely, when you needed your space I stepped back. I never asked you to come with us, I never asked for your help and I certainly would never dare to ask you to stay, with me, for me, just me. I thought I would be fine, doing what I needed to for everyone, but I can't do it anymore and I can't stand the thought of being left behind." _Fuck. Well, why hold back now. _"You smell of him. Not just of his flowers, but of _him, _and I don't want to compete anymore."

Abruptly he stood up, not waiting for the explosive denial that was sure to come. He truly was a fool, and not just the fake he pulled off every day. The room was closing in on him and the alcohol and the vented emotions made him see more clearly than he thought possible. In truth, he knew intellectually nothing happened between her and Byakuya; the noble would never act so freely even if he was interested. Emotionally, he knew that she would never give up the chase for what she couldn't have, it was just in her nature and she was helpless to control it. The revelation was he wasn't willing to settle for either reality anymore. For all of his brilliance and all of his achievements, he was just another Icarus reaching for the sun.

* * *

A/N: extra taiyaki from Renji if you know Yoruichi's physical reference to the sun


End file.
